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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Never the Perfect Life

I was just reading an article yesterday about a women who was talking about her lifelong struggle with clinical depression. She dealt with it for years before realizing that it was actually a condition that could be treated. The article talked about the fact that a large amount of women are depressed, and it's not diagnosed, because women don't take care of themselves. They're so busy taking care of other people, and things. This woman had a great life, with a nice house, 3 kids, and a maid, and a great car. She was a stay at home mom, and seemed to have the perfect life.

I think a lot of times we don't think of what's happening inside people's hearts. We look on the outside, and assume that people have it all together. But no one does.

I take a daily antidepressent, called Fluoxetine. I have now, for a few years. In my late 20's, I started realizing that my moods, and tempers were getting away from me. I didn't like who I was when these moods would hit. I would throw things, and (confession time) I would even swear sometimes. My mood swings come and go, and I'll go for a while where I feel like I can handle everything. I can stay calm whatever comes up.... but then something clicks, and I just dive. Everything will get on my nerves, and everything will get me angry. I'll act so hateful, and just treat everyone in the house poorly. I know that's not the way I want to be, so I have to consistantly take these meds. A few times over the past few years, I've stopped taking them, thinking I was ok, and after a few months, I would realize...OK, it's time to get back on. I'll probably be on medication the rest of my life. I'm ok with that. It's worlds better that making my family miserable, and be moody and miserable myself. I don't know if it's PMDD, or just some other type of depression, or what, but I know that this medication helps me feel normal again. It just takes the extreme away, and helps me feel more in control.

Well, even though I'm taking this medication, the past few weeks have been pretty rough, anyway. I'm dealing with so much... Gabey's treatments, transfusions, and dr. appts. having Gideon, and dealing with his being in the hospital, his feeding issues, and just having a new baby in the house. Even with the meds, I can feel the depression surfacing. Call it baby blues, post partum depression, whatever. I've been just sad every evening, and wanting to cry.
I was talking to Jeffie last night, and mentioned how in times like this.... it seems like I can feel "eternity"- like it's just stretching out endlessly, and not going to change. The days seem so long, and boring, and even when we do cool things like we did last night, I'll feel edgy, and upset.

I know this will pass. I have a wonderful life. I know how much I've been blessed. I just wanted to share this part of my life with you.

I like posting about happy things, and I will keep on focusing on the good things in our lives. I just wanted to confide in you all that even though I don't write about the rough times as much, they're there, and I'm just like everyone else going through the good and the bad.

5 comments:

Dorothy said...

That was very brave of you, Sweety, to admit all that. Maybe you'll be helping some reader with the same problem. I love you.

Happymama said...

Shari, I'm sorry you're going through depression. It most likely is your hormones, but either way, it's difficult to have so much on your mind and feel as though you're going to fall off the edge. I'll be praying for you, Shari! I'm glad you "talked" about it with us. I'm sure that helped in some way.

~Kristi

Shari said...

thanks so much, guys! i love you all too.

Anonymous said...

shari - call me, we can chat. I had PPD after Nathan's birth... it ALWAYS helps to know someone else went through it and understands. (((hugs)))

You're in my prayers.

~ jen

Melissa Varner said...

Sheri, the one thing I learned in the difficult things the Lord brought me through was as you so perfectly said, we need to look deeper at those around us. I'd put a smile on my face as I walked into church and so politely answer, "Fine, thank you," when I was greeted. The truth was, inside, I was constantly just moments from tears. The Bible says to bear one another's burdens. In order to do that we have to be willing to both share ours and see others. Life can be tough, and some times just plain ole' stinks!!! Many times just admitting that helps!!! Of course, as Christians we have the Lord to grant us grace, but that doesn't mean it's easy. I'm so glad that your shared your burden. Now I can pray for you in a specific way. Coming from another mother dealing with many health issues I can assure you that you will get through this time.........it may just be one minute at a time, but you will. Let yourself cry, and then hug your babies and simply cherish the moment. My friend Stacey (her son had a heart transplant) and I call each other in our moments of discouragement, worry, or extreme anxiety. It helps to vent to another mother walking the same path. Some worries only a mother of a sick child can understand. We both always hang up feeling so much better. No time is off limits. We're just always there for each other. If you don't have someone like that please feel free to e-mail me and I'll give you my number. I know what a lifeline a simple phone call can be. I will be praying for you!!!!

Melissa Varner