I was just reading an article yesterday about a women who was talking about her lifelong struggle with clinical depression. She dealt with it for years before realizing that it was actually a condition that could be treated. The article talked about the fact that a large amount of women are depressed, and it's not diagnosed, because women don't take care of themselves. They're so busy taking care of other people, and things. This woman had a great life, with a nice house, 3 kids, and a maid, and a great car. She was a stay at home mom, and seemed to have the perfect life.
I think a lot of times we don't think of what's happening inside people's hearts. We look on the outside, and assume that people have it all together. But no one does.
I take a daily antidepressent, called Fluoxetine. I have now, for a few years. In my late 20's, I started realizing that my moods, and tempers were getting away from me. I didn't like who I was when these moods would hit. I would throw things, and (confession time) I would even swear sometimes. My mood swings come and go, and I'll go for a while where I feel like I can handle everything. I can stay calm whatever comes up.... but then something clicks, and I just dive. Everything will get on my nerves, and everything will get me angry. I'll act so hateful, and just treat everyone in the house poorly. I know that's not the way I want to be, so I have to consistantly take these meds. A few times over the past few years, I've stopped taking them, thinking I was ok, and after a few months, I would realize...OK, it's time to get back on. I'll probably be on medication the rest of my life. I'm ok with that. It's worlds better that making my family miserable, and be moody and miserable myself. I don't know if it's PMDD, or just some other type of depression, or what, but I know that this medication helps me feel normal again. It just takes the extreme away, and helps me feel more in control.
Well, even though I'm taking this medication, the past few weeks have been pretty rough, anyway. I'm dealing with so much... Gabey's treatments, transfusions, and dr. appts. having Gideon, and dealing with his being in the hospital, his feeding issues, and just having a new baby in the house. Even with the meds, I can feel the depression surfacing. Call it baby blues, post partum depression, whatever. I've been just sad every evening, and wanting to cry.
I was talking to Jeffie last night, and mentioned how in times like this.... it seems like I can feel "eternity"- like it's just stretching out endlessly, and not going to change. The days seem so long, and boring, and even when we do cool things like we did last night, I'll feel edgy, and upset.
I know this will pass. I have a wonderful life. I know how much I've been blessed. I just wanted to share this part of my life with you.
I like posting about happy things, and I will keep on focusing on the good things in our lives. I just wanted to confide in you all that even though I don't write about the rough times as much, they're there, and I'm just like everyone else going through the good and the bad.
